Empty Your Cup  (Get Over Yourself)

A famous Taoist saying is: "A cup is useful because of its empty space. Empty yourself so you may be filled."

What does this mean? There are many interpretations. Here is one that applies to social etiquette.

Have you ever talked to someone who was a know-it-all? They pontificate about any subject that arises, hardly letting you get a word in edgewise. They are boring and arrogant in their manner. You probably know someone like this.

There is a popular story about a monk who is visited by a man who heard the monk was a martial arts master.  The monk invited the man to sit down and offered him some tea.  As he handed the man a cup, the man began talking about his style of martial arts.  He kept talking and talking about how great his martial arts were.  The monk took the teapot and began filling the man's cup.  As the man continued talking, the monk filled the cup to the brim and kept pouring until the tea poured out and onto the man's clothes.

"Stop!" cried the man.  "Can't you see the cup is full?"

"Yes," said the monk.  "But first you must empty your cup before you can taste my cup of tea."

This all points out a basic rule of etiquette. If you are so full of yourself that you can’t listen to others and appreciate them for their experiences and knowledge, you are unable to understand others or learn from them. We can all learn from each other, but first you must be receptive.

Being empty does not mean being stupid. Being empty means you are open to other sensations, other experiences and lessons. You empty your mind when you meditate or do Chi Kung. This doesn’t mean your mind is a vacuum – it means your mind is free from preconceived perceptions, and you are open to experience the world as it is.

In martial arts, I can learn from almost anyone. I have certain strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes even a beginning student can be seized by an insight about a movement that I had not thought of before, and I learn something. If I approach the student as if I know everything, I might not give him or her the opportunity to show me this, and I would be poorer for it. Likewise, if I consider my style better than all others, I will lose in the end, because I will not be open to more effective techniques and principles that I can incorporate into my own art.

The same is true at work, at school and at home. Dale Carnegie, in his famous book "How to Win Friends and Influence People," talked about how impressed someone can be if you only listen to them. People like to hear themselves speak, and they enjoy talking about themselves. If you empty your "cup" and listen, you will impress people far more than if you blather on incessantly.

This does not mean you shouldn’t talk. Pleasant, witty, meaningful conversation is always welcome. However, you must be receptive to others and what they know, before you can expect others to be receptive to you. In the end, you will learn more if you listen and understand.

Open your mind, and open your heart.

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